Heartache

My heart aches tonight for the first time in over two years. I have been a Zoloft addict since the before the birth of Jack to thankfully ward off the postpartum depression that I had experienced after the birth of Emma. Aside from a small break in between Jack & Will, my mind, my emotions have been totally altered and dependent on this modern medicine.

Three days now, I have quit cold turkey, against the better judgment of the pharmacist & one of my best friends. This morning, after getting so frustrated with Emma for screaming for the umpteenth time today, I listen to Caedmon's Call, as Danielle reminds me that my Lord God made me my precious blessings' keeper. I cry. I sob. I reach back while I am driving and touch the leg of a very confused Emma & whisper I love you. These emotions that are so God-given are reintroducing themselves back so quickly. And again, like before, He reminds me, Cling to Me, my daughter. I have heard the voice of my Lord repeatedly reminding, begging me to be dependent on Him. Rely on Him for my sanity, my peace, my strength, not some small blue pill.

Today, I have been confronted with old wounds, which I thought were long closed up & healed. This evening, I actually felt my heart beat so hard in my chest, I thought it'd come out my throat. I stumbled over words, aching for what could have been, all the while, experiencing these "normal" emotions. Beyond the smiles & hugs during the encounter, there was a great sadness lingering in the air. The sadness so thick, I almost couldn't see past it.

I drive home, my heart aching. But then my heart aches in a beautiful different way. Jack is singing in the back of the truck, while Emma & chubby Will sleep the drive away. He is actually singing his own words & tune. And once again, my Lord reminds me, to cling to Him alone. He has gifted Roy & I with blessings that are too numerous to count. After Jack's song, he begs to hear the Wiggles CD. Then the Lion King. Then the Wiggles. Then Curious George. Sweet Jack... I put him to bed and he thanks his God for Who, a person created by Jack while we wereteaching Jack to pray- Thank you God for...Who?

My heart indeed aches from sadness tonight for the first time in a while. But it also aches from being full and proud and overwhelmed and amazed at the goodness of my God, blessing me with a crazy family, an amazing support system, wounds that will heal, and true real God-breathed emotions...

Precious Eminism

It's good to have a mom.
-Showering me with love & kisses after dinner

It's good I didn't break my body.
-After falling off the arm of the couch.

Ode to Roy

Dear Dr. Laura,

Yesterday, while waiting in the car of the grocery store parking lot, I witnessed something that made me so sad. A couple exited the store, the woman clearly at the end of her pregnancy. She was waddling to the car, carrying multiple bags of groceries, while her husband walked in front of her, empty handed. He quickly got into the car and closed the door, started the engine, while she still waddled to her side of the car. As he sped away, she was still putting on her safety belt.

This week in the midst of our church's Vacation Bible School, I came down with strep throat. Nasty! My husband, the valiant, willingly stepped in and took care of everything. Everything. While I slept the infection away for the past three days, Roy laundered the clothes, fed our three children, bathed them, shuttled some to VBS (as well as other children), played with them, colored with them, chased them, disciplined them, took care of my sick soul, and squeezed moments here and there to do his work (that pays the bills) from home.

After eight years of marriage, three small children later, my husband still treats me and our family like his most prized possession. I am his queen. He has absolutely ruined it for other men. He is the best. He is mine.

Sincerely,
Heather Jerrolds

What I learned at VBS...

So this week, it's that time of year again. It's the time of year our family looks forward to all year- Vacation Bible School. We have witnessed and been part of so many great things that our God has done over the past 6 years with every VBS. This year has been no disappointment...

Our new church is a recently merged church- actually it's first Sunday as a new church was the Sunday immediately after the birth of our son, Will. So as this new church matures, we can measured it's growth against Will's development. Will is crawling now- scooting very quickly. This milestone is very necessary for his physical development. Like Will's crawling, Vacation Bible School has come at the right time. It has united these two different churches even more so, uniting us for the common purpose of reaching out to our community & pointing the families to Him who saves us all.

This week I was reminded that God wants to spend time with me. Sunday evening, I really felt as though I should set the alarm for five in the morning. I didn't. God longed to spend moments of this busy week alone with His daughter. Cooper was the outlet... Cooper, who usually snoozes until 7 or 8, cried desperately to get up at 5! I reluctantly left my slumber, though I was able to ponder & read the Bible by myself and tell my Lord my concerns for the day. What a rejuvenating treat...

This week I was reminded that my God takes care of my mental needs. The story for the first day was about Moses & the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. I learned while leaving Egypt, the Israelites could have traveled a shorter way, through the Philistine campground, but He knew they weren't mentally ready for battle. I had pleaded with my Lord most of the night to bring kids, but no more than 30! We had 24 in attendance. He certainly got us through Monday.

This week I was reminded that my God amazes me. From our story on Tuesday, I was reminded that the shepherds were amazed at what they had seen when they had found Jesus, God's Son, newly born to Joseph & Mary. We come from a church of nearly 9 children in our Sunday Morning Small Group classes. By Tuesday, we had 88 children in attendance!

Lastly, the most important lesson that I need to daily be reminded is that I am replaceable. On Tuesday night, I came down with strep throat. I hesitantly called our Pastor's wife to tell her I wasn't coming. Many stepped forward (including my mom, the hero, the brave) to take over our Preschool class that totaled at least 30 children!!!

God continues to amaze me just getting me through my days of raising my sweet blessings, but being able to also witness this Vacation Bible School was a treat- where many children learned about & accept our Saviour! Emma rode her scooter around the home singing from our VBS- I know my God is real... Priceless!

Gifts

It's was one of those trips again... It started out well, loading up Emma & Jack in the basket of the cart at Target, and sitting Will up in the front. They were so sweet, huddled together, playing I Spy, looking for their best buddy, Noah, in the store. I got them popcorn & slurpees to sustain them for the duration of the shopping trip, but slowly (ever so slowly) the demeanor of the group seemed to slide downhill. Jack was really pushing his bad guy image. Emma was really starting to perfect her art of whine.

When it came time to check out, Jack continued just to be, well... Jack! He continued to grab at the conveyor belt. Emma continued to whine! I turned around and locked eyes with a fellow mom. Good- I see support, comradeship. We link eyes, and I feel her feel me & understand my frustrations. I grab the divider that Jack continues to mess with, after being warned many times to STOP! and, with his back turned to me, I pretend to hit him repeatedly over the head while I am watching my newfound ally. Jack & Emma continue their banter back and forth and something prompts Jack to verbally fight back. Whine for whine, right? The gentleman in the line over takes pity on my poor distressed son, just as the mother behind me, my chum, my companion, states (with her very sedated son in the basket of her cart) that that is why she only has one kid... What??? Et tu, Brute? I ponder while I feel a sharp pain emerge in my back. How dare you!!!

I will be the first to admit: My children have made me mentally insane. But there is so much joy that comes from raising these hoodlums. Does my pal know how Jack may claim to be a bad guy, but kisses every member of his family, tenderly, after praying for each of them at night? Or how Emma, whine as she may, took all morning at church to befriend and make a new child feel welcome?

There are many days, like this afternoon, where my family is misrepresented but regardless- my children are gifts, the most precious gifts from my Father in Heaven. I may make a big scene at the store or restaurant, when my children & I are just trying to figure the day out. I may run crazy after Jack while he runs down the street laughing insanely. I may make Emma cry at the tone of my very frustrated voice. And I may be currently & continue to be contributing to the overpopulation of this earth. But I cling to the verse from Psalm 127:3 that each of my children are a "reward" from my LORD. (And I will have as many as my Lord says...) They are my most precious, most cherished gifts.

Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3 NIV

Good versus Evil

Silent Eminisms

- Emma, fallen asleep on the highway with her favorite toy (of the moment in her mouth).

Upon return, on the same highway, I noticed her waving her hand in front of Will's face. Vigorously. She then proceeded to hold his foot with one hand and his hand with her other hand and bend them to each other back and forth. Vigorously. As she continued to do this, he was unresponsive. No giggle, no wimper, nothing.

-Emma, is Will sleeping?
-Yes.
-Please stop doing that to him.
-But he doesn't mind. He's still sleeping...