Heartache

My heart aches tonight for the first time in over two years. I have been a Zoloft addict since the before the birth of Jack to thankfully ward off the postpartum depression that I had experienced after the birth of Emma. Aside from a small break in between Jack & Will, my mind, my emotions have been totally altered and dependent on this modern medicine.

Three days now, I have quit cold turkey, against the better judgment of the pharmacist & one of my best friends. This morning, after getting so frustrated with Emma for screaming for the umpteenth time today, I listen to Caedmon's Call, as Danielle reminds me that my Lord God made me my precious blessings' keeper. I cry. I sob. I reach back while I am driving and touch the leg of a very confused Emma & whisper I love you. These emotions that are so God-given are reintroducing themselves back so quickly. And again, like before, He reminds me, Cling to Me, my daughter. I have heard the voice of my Lord repeatedly reminding, begging me to be dependent on Him. Rely on Him for my sanity, my peace, my strength, not some small blue pill.

Today, I have been confronted with old wounds, which I thought were long closed up & healed. This evening, I actually felt my heart beat so hard in my chest, I thought it'd come out my throat. I stumbled over words, aching for what could have been, all the while, experiencing these "normal" emotions. Beyond the smiles & hugs during the encounter, there was a great sadness lingering in the air. The sadness so thick, I almost couldn't see past it.

I drive home, my heart aching. But then my heart aches in a beautiful different way. Jack is singing in the back of the truck, while Emma & chubby Will sleep the drive away. He is actually singing his own words & tune. And once again, my Lord reminds me, to cling to Him alone. He has gifted Roy & I with blessings that are too numerous to count. After Jack's song, he begs to hear the Wiggles CD. Then the Lion King. Then the Wiggles. Then Curious George. Sweet Jack... I put him to bed and he thanks his God for Who, a person created by Jack while we wereteaching Jack to pray- Thank you God for...Who?

My heart indeed aches from sadness tonight for the first time in a while. But it also aches from being full and proud and overwhelmed and amazed at the goodness of my God, blessing me with a crazy family, an amazing support system, wounds that will heal, and true real God-breathed emotions...