Sunday Evening

I am pulling The Princess in her carriage. I am the horse. She sits in her buggy. The wind rubs my face, making my eyes water. The Princess sits cozy, safe, of course, next to Minnie and Tink. We pass brown children playing, black children shooting hoops. She sees no color, only smiles at their joy. We travel hill and mountain. She speaks every now and then, never uttering too much. She is content.

We return back to the castle and The Princess must warm her cold body in a hot bubble bath, accompanied by all her favorite friends. Hair dripping, body wet, she beckons my assistance. Dressed in the choicest of cloths, she joins her court for dinner.

We lay in bed and look at the stars. Their light invades our roof, creeping through the ceiling. Even though this happens every night, she is still in awe. We whisper love, gentle kisses, and small songs.

She is safe, warm and snug. I may attend to her beck and call, but she is mine.

A Pirate's Life for Me: I want it my way

Emma sits on the chair in the corner of the room. She is in the midst of a breakdown. Tears are streaking her face; I can't help but smile. She's playing pirates with her Daddy and he has just commandeered her pirate ship. He kneels across from her, desperately trying to explain it's part of the game. He's begging her to fight him back. She agrees and her pirates are temporarily successful. But as soon as she begins to battle, her ship is seized once again and Emma melts away to another breakdown. We try again to explain this is how you play... It doesn't always go your way...


Yesterday, our crazy dog had surgery. He has been in need of this procedure for some time now. We have put it off to save the money for it. But in the midst of the surgery, the doctor has found our crazy Cooper has a problem with his liver. After hearing this news, I fall back into my chair in the corner and complain. How can we handle financially to care for an ailing dog? But how could I look at him and my blessings and think of putting him down?


Later, I pick up Cooper with the three blessings, all are very excited & still very naive to possible impending doom. As we wait in the still truck for our young pup to rejoin our family, I admire a very large tree. It's leaves & arms begin to sway to the wind and then to the music that fills our cab. Come and see, look on this mystery, the LORD OF THE UNIVERSE, is nailed to a tree. Fernado Ortega, once again, reminds me of where my focus needs to be. Not on finances, not on our crazy dog, but on my Lord.

Moving on from the disappointment of the pirates, Emma has set up another train in our dining room. Many of her animals are on the Emma-express, myself included. She asks me to drive the train for awhile, but I am reluctant too. I tell her I am too scared to take over the train; I am really just lazy and don't want to get up and switch seats with her. She looks at me, with her stunning yellow eyes and her head tilted to the side, she gently reassures me:
It's ok, Mom. Do you want me to press the EASY button?

Yes! Yes! Please press the EASY button! Can we? With every worry that currently invades my small mind!

But there I go again... Drifting away from my focus on Christ. Life will just continue on; things will be constantly thrown at us. But... It is when my eyes are fixed upon my Savior, that is when everything else will fall into place. And then, I don't have to throw my fit in the corner when the pirates hijack my ship...

Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. Psalm 119:37

October 2nd

She's been gone six years now and I can't say I am ever going to be over it. If you look close enough, you can still make out the scar that protects the deep wound. After she left, I sat at the window to the street, day after day, waiting her return. And she never did. The abandonment brought denial. The denial, pain & scorn. The scorn, anger. The anger, acceptance. The acceptance, forgiveness. And now, finally, with the forgiveness, healing.

For some time after she left, I ached so much, my heart broke. In her dismissal of this so-called friendship we shared, her selfishness finally brought me joy. It seems ironic. But when I surrendered to the pain of my loss, I was able to accept the many blessings that surrounded- they seemed to engulf me regardless if I wanted them to or not.

Today, I stand here watching my two oldest blessings squat and examine something close to the ground. They are so intent on examining and observing their new find. They squat and poke along side their very best friend; I get to stand and watch in peace next to one of mine. Had she not left, I would have never had the opportunity to form not one, but three beautiful friendships, all of which continually lift me up and point me to our Christ. Each of my sweet treasures encourages me, uplifts me, laughs with me in my successes, cries with me in my failures.

I still miss, will always miss her laughter. I will always be saddened that she will not, cannot ever enjoy my blessings and rejoice with me in their small lives. But my God works good in everything, even the bad. I take the pain, the healing. It spurs me to better things. My cup runneth over.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him,

who have been called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done,

the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

Precious Blood

Come and see, look on this mystery the Lord of the universe, is nailed to the tree... Giver of mercy, giver of life... Sing to Jesus, His is the throne... We are His own... Sing for the love our God has shown...

There is something inspiring and stirring within the hymns and praises that Fernando Ortega sings. I have been listening and meditating with him constantly in my truck as I run to and from- so much so, my blessings are also following along with the melody & lyrics. As we praise our Risen Lord together, my God, my Creator, Emma's Father, is impressing upon her heart wonderful, deep questions. My Emma is seeking Him already! We have transitioned so quickly from telling Emma about Jesus, His Creation, His Love to the power of her Savior's blood, the sacrifice He made for her & her brothers!

Reflecting on these things in the stillness of the afternoon, the sweet noise that fills the downstairs is my Emma: sitting, working at the kitchen table, singing at the top of her lungs- There is power, power, wonder working power, in the Precious Blood of the Lamb. (She actually just churned on her imaginative congregation- ONE MORE TIME!)

It continues to be an honor to raise these blessings. But now, it is indescribable the legacy that we can leave our children- a strong, firm foundation built upon our Lord. It remains my utmost desire, the desire of my core, for my children to come to know my Father at an early age. It is my pleasure to participate in this journey with them as we seek Him together...

Keeper

It's taken at least an hour to get rid of my pounding headache this morning. The youngest of the blessings, who will affectionately be referred to as The Surprise for the duration of this blog, was up most of the evening, night, early morning screaming. His only comfort and solace was to nurse throughout the night, quite violently.

Later in the morning, I drive to my weekly Bible study, eager to just be there and learn. I am able to be renewed and refreshed every week. I gather there and I can be encouraged by women of wisdom. On the way, I pop in "Mommy's Song," also known as Sacred. My blessings know it almost by heart and sing it nearly perfect. This morning, again like the countless times I have relied on it before, it reminds me that My Father, the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, has named me Keeper of these little ones. Wow! What a title. What a job. I am Keeper of even The Surprise... Emma asks to hear it again and again. I have to nearly bite the inside of my lip the third time. I can no longer sing along. I am overcome with emotion, as I listen: Everything is sacred... Everything I've dreamed of, has been right before my eyes...

During Bible study, Will, oops, The Surprise, sits clinging to my chest in his sling. He is cranky (you, think?) and restless. I know he needs sleep. I bounce. I stand. And then, I sing the song I have sung to him for almost a year now: Oh, how He loves you and me... He doses off quickly, breathing into me, snuggling close and secure in his Keeper's and His Father's warmth. How quickly I have forgotten that my sweet Surprise is sacred. He, along with Emma and Jack, is what I longed for when Roy and I were first married. How desperately I wanted to quickly expand our family. Of course, I didn't think about the headaches, the heartaches, the sleep deprivation, the insanity at the time- but would I have proceeded? Probably not. But I am here now. This is my life. And the Lord God Almighty has made me there Keeper for this short brief time while they are young. What a task! What an honor! I will cling to this title today.

Our Lake

We are staying again at one of my favorite places (so far) on this earth. I actually call it mine, and quite proudly, maybe a little arrogantly, reminding my children many times that I share it with them. The fact is though, it is ours. That's the benefit of being children of The King...

Every moment my children walk through these surroundings is absolutely picturesque. No words or camera could ever capture the trueness of the moments here. Jack walks through the wood chips with his Dorothy on his shoulders, trees surrounding him on all sides, the air clear & brisk; Emma teaches her caught crawdads sweet tricks; Will army crawls everywhere through the dirt, eager to explore; I have to freeze these moments in my mind.

The Lake is cold, more so than usual. Returning to it's beaches, our hair whips every which way in the winds. It doesn't hinder the children from enjoying it's brilliance. Emma dons her bathing suit and teases the water's edge with her feet. Jack runs and throws rocks, watching each splash. Cooper even manages to visit the water with his front paws... Only Will huddles against my chest in the sling, occasionally looking up to see his family play.

We spend the afternoon hiking through the meadow and into the hill. The afternoon sun reveals thousands of bugs and lint from the top of the grass dancing through the sky. It looks like fairies frolicking among us. Birds swoop down to eat their dinner and dragonflies buzz by our heads. Auntie teases us, as we pause to capture the moment- we apparently resemble the Ingles... We head farther into the trees, Jack & Emma each carry their walking sticks and bags of treasures- pine cones, rocks, fallen pine needles. They watch their Uncle Ken in awe, as he breaks apart fallen trees with his feet. Jack kicks at the tree, with such a look of determination. Emma prods with her stick. They can remain in this space, prying at the tree for so long, we have to convince them to move on. Later Emma will beg her Papa to take hiking again! in the forest.

We are now huddled in bed, snuggled against each of our blessings for warmth. Their feet, knees, hands & faces have been scrubbed. Roy sings quietly off-key You are My Sunshine into Jack's fat head. In our very small space, I whisper into Emma's ear: What if we had to live in a place this small? She responds quickly: I wouldn't care at all! Neither would I...

The Princess Turns 5