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I am snuggling in a king size bed with Emma, Jack, and Roy. The sheets are cold. The air is cool. Will is snoozing close in his pack and play. I am close to giddy. Everyone is trying to settle down, a little restless, a little goofy, and I am right there with them. I feel like a kid. We have traveled through six states together to get here to Missouri and I couldn't be more proud of my family. Success and pride and love wrapped up into the flannel sheets of Pappy's bed.

Reflecting, I am still proud and feel a sense of accomplishment. The Jerrolds clan has traveled the unthinkable- don't get me wrong, we had our truck, cushioned warmed seats, toted two DVD players, numerous tunes on our IPOD and the luxury of food (and Starbucks) on the go (no covered wagons here). There and back, we traveled 4896 miles, through 12 states, with three kids, one dog, and I think we did darn good!

Throughout our time away, Emma, Jack, Will, & Cooper ran in the pecan groves of Pappy's yard in Missouri. They threw leaves in the air in the small town of Portageville in Grandma's yard. We looked upon a herd of antelope grazing in the fields of Wyoming. We stood huddled together in the biting wind in the Painted Desert of Arizona. When our children would become too restless of riding endless hours in the truck, we could only play one praise song to calm them: Mighty to Save. It became such a testament to the scenes we saw- we saw our Savior's handiwork, whittled over plain, mountain, dessert, and high land. What an experience to share together as a family: as we traveled 4896 miles, we saw the created beauty of our Savior, the same Savior who poured out His blood to save each of us...

I can still smell Pappy's laundry detergent on Jack's pajamas. I nuzzle my nose into his arm and warm in my family's trip...

Our Newest Addition: Brendal

Thirty fingers, thirty toes

His diaper doesn't fit quite right, but it's not because we are neglectful. Will twists, turns, grunts, and pushes every time we change his diaper. The result is a fit that looks less than adequate. But that's the type of kid he's turning in to. He's joining his older siblings in spaz-land. At nap, he pulls my hair and laughs. He has joined the ranks and very loyal.

At Trader Joe's, I need two carts to tote the kids and the food. Roy and I tag team occasionally, making the trip shorter by locating our groceries on our own. Flying solo, I notice a lovely couple with one toddler. He's even sitting in one of those cloth seats to protect his innocence from the germs that cover the carts. (Will is chewing on a ball point pen.) He calls for his mom and she sweetly answers him. Her hair is pulled into a perfect ponytail, while her unfrizzed curls fall around her shoulder. I, on the other hand, am dodging my crazy ones. There are only two loose around the carts, but they seem to create more noise. I haven't showered in over a day & my baseball cap covers my third-day hair. I can't help but notice the family notice me, and my craziness.

There have been many mornings and nights, I have cried so hard my mascara has vanished. Feeling so overwhelmed by the three that surround me, I feel like I drown at least once a month. Too many little bodies to care for, as well as raise well. I don't know how I manage, except for calling on my Lord, begging Him to take over. I love that our children are goofy, weird, and sometimes out of control. Though at times, I am trampled by their parades.

All while pondering this, the next day, I watch Jack during the start to his nap. He doesn't know I am there in the door frame. He cocks his head as he turns each page of his book, pointing and singing the days of the week. I can't help but smile. He notices my lingering, smiles, and blows me a perfect kiss.

At bed, I read to the blessings. On my lap, sit three bottoms, thirty fingers, thirty toes. I no longer have the perfect trips to the grocery store, the peaceful play dates, or big quantities of one-on-one time with each of my blessings. I lose my sanity quite frequently, but today, I will gladly take what I have been given. Three bottoms, thirty fingers & thirty toes snuggled on my lap... How many people have the privilege of that?

Sunday Evening

I am pulling The Princess in her carriage. I am the horse. She sits in her buggy. The wind rubs my face, making my eyes water. The Princess sits cozy, safe, of course, next to Minnie and Tink. We pass brown children playing, black children shooting hoops. She sees no color, only smiles at their joy. We travel hill and mountain. She speaks every now and then, never uttering too much. She is content.

We return back to the castle and The Princess must warm her cold body in a hot bubble bath, accompanied by all her favorite friends. Hair dripping, body wet, she beckons my assistance. Dressed in the choicest of cloths, she joins her court for dinner.

We lay in bed and look at the stars. Their light invades our roof, creeping through the ceiling. Even though this happens every night, she is still in awe. We whisper love, gentle kisses, and small songs.

She is safe, warm and snug. I may attend to her beck and call, but she is mine.

A Pirate's Life for Me: I want it my way

Emma sits on the chair in the corner of the room. She is in the midst of a breakdown. Tears are streaking her face; I can't help but smile. She's playing pirates with her Daddy and he has just commandeered her pirate ship. He kneels across from her, desperately trying to explain it's part of the game. He's begging her to fight him back. She agrees and her pirates are temporarily successful. But as soon as she begins to battle, her ship is seized once again and Emma melts away to another breakdown. We try again to explain this is how you play... It doesn't always go your way...


Yesterday, our crazy dog had surgery. He has been in need of this procedure for some time now. We have put it off to save the money for it. But in the midst of the surgery, the doctor has found our crazy Cooper has a problem with his liver. After hearing this news, I fall back into my chair in the corner and complain. How can we handle financially to care for an ailing dog? But how could I look at him and my blessings and think of putting him down?


Later, I pick up Cooper with the three blessings, all are very excited & still very naive to possible impending doom. As we wait in the still truck for our young pup to rejoin our family, I admire a very large tree. It's leaves & arms begin to sway to the wind and then to the music that fills our cab. Come and see, look on this mystery, the LORD OF THE UNIVERSE, is nailed to a tree. Fernado Ortega, once again, reminds me of where my focus needs to be. Not on finances, not on our crazy dog, but on my Lord.

Moving on from the disappointment of the pirates, Emma has set up another train in our dining room. Many of her animals are on the Emma-express, myself included. She asks me to drive the train for awhile, but I am reluctant too. I tell her I am too scared to take over the train; I am really just lazy and don't want to get up and switch seats with her. She looks at me, with her stunning yellow eyes and her head tilted to the side, she gently reassures me:
It's ok, Mom. Do you want me to press the EASY button?

Yes! Yes! Please press the EASY button! Can we? With every worry that currently invades my small mind!

But there I go again... Drifting away from my focus on Christ. Life will just continue on; things will be constantly thrown at us. But... It is when my eyes are fixed upon my Savior, that is when everything else will fall into place. And then, I don't have to throw my fit in the corner when the pirates hijack my ship...

Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. Psalm 119:37

October 2nd

She's been gone six years now and I can't say I am ever going to be over it. If you look close enough, you can still make out the scar that protects the deep wound. After she left, I sat at the window to the street, day after day, waiting her return. And she never did. The abandonment brought denial. The denial, pain & scorn. The scorn, anger. The anger, acceptance. The acceptance, forgiveness. And now, finally, with the forgiveness, healing.

For some time after she left, I ached so much, my heart broke. In her dismissal of this so-called friendship we shared, her selfishness finally brought me joy. It seems ironic. But when I surrendered to the pain of my loss, I was able to accept the many blessings that surrounded- they seemed to engulf me regardless if I wanted them to or not.

Today, I stand here watching my two oldest blessings squat and examine something close to the ground. They are so intent on examining and observing their new find. They squat and poke along side their very best friend; I get to stand and watch in peace next to one of mine. Had she not left, I would have never had the opportunity to form not one, but three beautiful friendships, all of which continually lift me up and point me to our Christ. Each of my sweet treasures encourages me, uplifts me, laughs with me in my successes, cries with me in my failures.

I still miss, will always miss her laughter. I will always be saddened that she will not, cannot ever enjoy my blessings and rejoice with me in their small lives. But my God works good in everything, even the bad. I take the pain, the healing. It spurs me to better things. My cup runneth over.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him,

who have been called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done,

the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

Precious Blood

Come and see, look on this mystery the Lord of the universe, is nailed to the tree... Giver of mercy, giver of life... Sing to Jesus, His is the throne... We are His own... Sing for the love our God has shown...

There is something inspiring and stirring within the hymns and praises that Fernando Ortega sings. I have been listening and meditating with him constantly in my truck as I run to and from- so much so, my blessings are also following along with the melody & lyrics. As we praise our Risen Lord together, my God, my Creator, Emma's Father, is impressing upon her heart wonderful, deep questions. My Emma is seeking Him already! We have transitioned so quickly from telling Emma about Jesus, His Creation, His Love to the power of her Savior's blood, the sacrifice He made for her & her brothers!

Reflecting on these things in the stillness of the afternoon, the sweet noise that fills the downstairs is my Emma: sitting, working at the kitchen table, singing at the top of her lungs- There is power, power, wonder working power, in the Precious Blood of the Lamb. (She actually just churned on her imaginative congregation- ONE MORE TIME!)

It continues to be an honor to raise these blessings. But now, it is indescribable the legacy that we can leave our children- a strong, firm foundation built upon our Lord. It remains my utmost desire, the desire of my core, for my children to come to know my Father at an early age. It is my pleasure to participate in this journey with them as we seek Him together...